It’s hard to talk about my borderline personality disorder (BPD), but it’s even more difficult for those close to me to understand. I decided to compile this list of my 11 truths of my BPD that also have been hard for me to recognize until now. These are my 11 truths, and the 11 things I need my loved ones to understand about my BPD.
1. I’m afraid you’ll leave me.
What if you get tired of me or fed up with my mood swings? Questions and fears about you leaving me are always at the back of my mind, and I need frequent reassurance.
2. When I’m mad at you, I’m more mad at myself.
I hate that I overreact when we argue, and I’m always more mad about that than I am mad at you.
3. I don’t want to hurt you.
Some things I say or do may make it seem like I’m trying to hurt you on purpose, but please know that’s not the case. I love you, and I would never purposefully hurt you.
4. I hate my medication.
Taking it is annoying and the side affects are awful. It makes me feel jittery and unable to focus and I only take it because I know I’d be a partial mess without it.
5. I don’t like being asked ‘why.’
Asking me why I feel a certain way or do certain things isn’t helpful because I don’t know the answer. I know that I have BPD and I know my symptoms, but I don’t know why.
6. I don’t mind my heightened emotions (most of the time).
I like being emotional about the good things. When I’m happy or enjoying something, I am truly happy and wholeheartedly enjoying it. So, I don’t mind that BPD heightens my emotions, except when they’re not good.
7. I scare myself sometimes.
My thoughts race and sometimes get out of control and pretty frightening. It’s hard to admit, but I do scare myself when I think my thoughts might turn into actions.
8. I wish I had a better filter.
I don’t like when my words hurt you, and I don’t like that my BPD makes me brutally honest and unnecessarily brash at times. I wish I had a better filter because I want to say what I mean and say what’s in my head without it coming out in a way that I don’t mean.
9. It’s hard to keep my trust.
I have a hard time letting go of the past and that hurts my ability to trust. It’s hard to gain and keep my trust, but it’s not impossible, and I’m sorry if that makes you work harder to love me.
10. Sometimes I need to be left alone.
It’s not that I want you personally to leave me alone, I just want to be left alone sometimes. I need space and I need you to understand and accept that.
11. I have a hard time thinking rationally.
This is probably the truest of them all. My mind always catastrophizes and goes to the worst case scenario, and I may need help finding the rationale in my life.
It’s important to know these 11 things about me to truly know me and understand my BPD. It was important for me to know these truths about myself so that I also have a better understanding of my BPD. These are my twelve truths, and the parts of my BPD that I need my friends and family to understand.